Can A Body Hold A Collapsed Name

kanishkas headless statue.jpgKanishka’s statue in Mathura; Not much information can be found on the missing head. This statue has piqued historical and literary interest for precisely this reason, nobody knows anything about it.

 

Dr announced that he would be performing a head transplant on Name. Name was told that her head would be carefully severed from her body along with her spine. The doctors would then have one hour only to reinstate her head in another body, merging the two spines. Dr explained that he would induce hypothermia in her so that there would be no neuronal damage. The operation would take a hundred surgeons and would last approximately 36 hours. It was going to be an expensive affair. Name wasn’t sure why she signed up for this ridiculous operation, but she had and Dr had convinced her it was the right move to make. She was hoping for an overhaul in how she understood the nature of being and thought that this was the best way to forcibly induce it. Finally, we were medically capable for the inevitable; it has been a long long, long wait. The last someone tried something like this was decades and decades ago in 2018. It was certain that if Name survived many many others would soon follow suit – everything was meant to change very soon.

After a few days ago Dr. told me that it’s all just going to be alright; the operation was a success! I can go home but going home going is not going to help me; I need to stay in the hospital and get treatment. The therapist said I should go to a psychiatrist and after that I decided I should completely trust all of them because what have I got left? It’s a success, I’m sure of it, I’m a success. What they have been consistently saying over the past few days is that it is a success. I think I have a headache but I’m not sure. You’re my doctor so I should listen to you. What will pills do apart from put me to sleep and postpone all this that is happening.

I should go to another room and that maybe what you’ve been consistently saying to me. This room is not good. It’s like before the operation and after the operation. Two rooms, two kinds of me. My reality and my brain and everything else must be true and based on everything that I have been told. As long as it’s consistent, I know I’m ok. Dr. says I’m consistent. But he said I am negative about my recovery and that I should not be negative about my recovery because whatever I think will happen, will happen. It’s all in the head. It’s not a sick joke. So I’ve decided to change me reality and listen to Dr.

chinns.jpgThe self-decapitating goddess, Chinnamatsa who is said to have embraced death of her identifiable ‘self’ before actually dying

 

Dr. said his dignity and respect feels violated and hurt by being called fake and a liar and a selfish person by all the journalists in the whole world. He told me it’s not my fault but it’s not his fault because it’s the journalists fault for showing him wrong and not being treated a special. Right? But my headache is not going away doctor. IS THIS THE WORLD HE WANTS? The things he said about my success are not slight things. They’re grand, and grand, and it’s the future. It’s not tripping over itself like you are. Your suspicions are yours, not mine. My behaviour and my emotions are new. They’ve never been had before. But even saying that is selfish no?

Rejection is physically over-powering. It contains the very contradictory urgency that spans days, weeks, months and even years. The question then becomes how to mediate this space in a way that is not retributive. A very open-ended addiction is at play here: to what extent does the object of desire actually matter after a certain point? It suddenly becomes sufficient to merely feel feelings; the addiction to which fuels itself constantly as if in inertia. No, not almost, it is precisely that. A self-indulgent altered state of mind is carefully being nursed as an end in itself.

Name saw that this was where faltered: She was unable to stay true to her language; Name saw that she chose to not be accountable; she refused to mean her words the next day.

I also said that I want a new life and in my old life I was so uncomfortable… whenever i came to the therapist over the last few days with my truth of my new self openly hating my old self. Dr said I’m not calm anymore and tried to trust my deep down feelings. Dr. has made it my problem that I am aching and my mind is dreadful even though I told him I don’t want to kill him. I told him I still I trust you completely. I’ll go with your reality, Dr., but I need more medication and more professional help and I want to kill my earlier self. I can’t co-operate otherwise, maybe the therapist is right about my brain (whose brain do I have?) perceptions and heads and more brain and mind and reality and negativity and professional help because if I have to succeed more than I am now, then I have to WORK HARD. Okay, I said, you’re human and you’ve changed over the past couple of days. Someone died, then someone else died and someone totally new came into life… it is too late to undo so many deaths I have let go of all that. If only all the pain would stop because it’s a little difficult to go back in time and destroy everything.

Can Name see distinctly? That is, can Name and her being Named be seen as a clinical object? Can an object be seen if it is not seen as distinct? The object of thought (in this case experience) is certainly seen, but perhaps there is a dire need for its qualification. It is not to say that experience is misconstrued, for to say it would mean that it is sufficient to feel something as long as it is merely perceived as a feeling. I.e. if I feel like I am Name (a full person), then as long as I allow it merely remain within the ephemeral constraints of feelings, it is fine. But it is not simple.

She wondered if it is possible to think about (and experience) the subjective without getting lost within it, but at the same time remain true to it. Where was the line that divided indulgence from inquiry? Was there even a division or does thought not really distinguish the two, but only allows them to exist as different conditions of thought itself? How could she even begin to consider what was in store for her? Name had to ground within anticipation that experience of tomorrow may not follow the same orbits of constraint that it does today.

 

DSC_1789Watching the first episode of Vikram aur Betaal on Youtube where two men get decapitated and the wrong head gets attached to the wrong body; who is who now?

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